All Because I Chose

I haven't written in a very long time. I have tried to, here and there, but have lost desire. I know I have struggled with the feeling of being hypocritical if I blogged about things but in the end was lost. But truth is truth still, even if I let go of it at some point. If someone fails to receive it because I let go of it, then I and they will have both been foolish and end up experiencing the same result. With that said, know that while I may blog about points of victory, or about truths I know to be truths, I am subject to the same faults and failures of every other human. Wielding a pen does not make one immune from that. The only One that can keep us safe is Christ, and only if we hold on to Him.

Speaking of holding on to Him, I have been developing muscle in that way when it comes to sleeping. I used to stay up into the wee hours of the morning because noises and sensations frightened me. I have heard and read a lot about demonic activity, and experienced it a little. I also knew that God is stronger than Satan and his demons, but I also knew that sometimes He permits things to happen, and that terrified me. I would sleep with the light on, use my phone, or both to feel safer, when I knew none of those things would keep me safe at all. 

After finally falling asleep and waking up knowing God had protected me, I would be disheartened by the fact that I couldn't simply trust Him, no matter what happened. After some time, I made the decision to do just that. It wasn't easy. It meant that when I heard noises or felt something, I would keep my eyes closed and start talking to Jesus in my head. It doesn't mean that by doing this I felt all warm and fuzzy and safe. No. It was, and still is at times, a conscious choice against giving in to sweat-inducing fear and grabbing for my phone or lamp. Sometimes I fail. But every time I make that choice to talk to Jesus and ignore it, I end up falling asleep without realizing it. That's a lot better than fighting sleep till two or three in the morning. 

And, I was happier. All because I chose to trust.

-Jean

Sean's Gone

Gone. I'm not going to go into details. Suffice it to say, it was a strange and sad ending. Right now it seems permanent, more permanent than it ever has. Yet, it's going to be all right.

Don't misunderstand me. I don't mean to say that everything will be ideal. I don't mean to say that in the end things will have turned out the way they should have. I can't see into the future. What I do know, however, is that whatever happens, God will have been good. That's a comfort. We humans are so frail and faulty, prone to evil, yet "he is my rock and there is no unrighteousness in him." Psalm 92:15b. People that witnessed the works that Jesus did remarked, "He hath done all things well:" (Mark 7:37) and the record is no different today.

Of His friend Abraham, God said in Genesis 18:19, "For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him, and they shall keep the way of the LORD, to do justice and judgment; that the LORD may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him." I know God, and I can rest in Who He is, regardless of the situation. Though all else fails me, even myself, He stays the same.

Sean's gone, but the good Lord remains.

Yes, all will be well.

May He bless you,
Jean

Far More Glorious

I had hope. It wasn't a hope that would have been fulfilled any time soon as far as I knew, but it remained alive. God had ways of doing things that I was totally unaware of, and if it was meant to be, things would come together. I also knew it may not be what He had in mind, and prayed accordingly.

I learned not long ago that my hope was, if all went according to what I read, dashed. I knew all along that I may be disappointed someday, but nevertheless felt it when possibility became reality. Oh, the best laid plans can change, and these won't be executed till sometime in the future. But it would be wicked to put stock into that sort of hope. Besides that, it stands so weakly!

It may be that their plans are part of God's plan to save them and do some great work through them. Who can tell? Whatever the case, one fact is absolutely certain: the salvation of each is far more important than any earthly desire of mine. Let's imagine that this scenario is true, that God did indeed orchestrate this very thing. I have the power to help or to hinder them on this journey, to love or to hate them. Love "seeketh not her own," the Bible says (1 Corinthians 13:5).

I choose to love. The success of any venture depends on God's blessing it, so I will continue to pray--and pray even more. Whatever happens, I know that some good will come from what I've decided to do. May the bigger picture never fade from view. May self be swallowed up in realizing the privilege I possess in contributing to an end far more glorious than I can imagine.

God bless,
Jean

Please Consider

I am subscribed to a YouTube channel, Special Books by Special Kids (SBSK), where people (children and adults) with different conditions are interviewed. The newest video is about Zaid, a burn survivor. His video is below. Please watch it.

Thank you, Jean

My Fall

Solomon wrote, "Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom." Proverbs 13:10.

A mixture of tiredness and pain and sadness and anger. Some of it is from circumstances beyond my control, but I'll admit I could make wiser choices at times that would lessen it. I have a part to play too, and lately I haven't been doing my best. When I get like this, it's easy for me to snap at things that I could deal with better otherwise, such as little annoyances.

Earlier was one of those times. I saw it coming too, even prayed about it. But I lost the battle. Was it because God couldn't or wouldn't help me? No! It was because I didn't stay on guard, didn't keep my focus on Him. Jesus told His disciples in Matthew 26:41, "Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." Just like Peter on the sea, I let circumstances and pride master me.

A simple question. "What?"

I tell the inquirer I'm tired.

 Yeah, they are too.

And I end up upset and I yell. The response irritated me, and instead of praying for strength to resist giving into irritation, I let that straw break my back. I fell. I didn't follow what Jesus said to do. In my state of mind, it seemed to me that the response wasn't what I should have received, and that is where the proverb shows itself to be true. If there had been no "I" in my thinking, my reaction wouldn't have been what it was.

It's no wonder Isaiah wrote, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee." (Isaiah 26:3). 

May we keep ever close to God. May we always "Watch and pray," for only then is success certain. And may we pray for each other, that we won't let our guard down.

-Jean

Reconnected

A few months ago, I wrote about Sean and my decision to leave him alone.

 I didn't write about my friend *Frank,* whom I hadn't spoken to for an even longer period than Sean. Frank walked out of my life years ago, without telling me. But I decided to reach out to him, and surprisingly, he responded promptly and amicably.

Not long after that, I messaged Sean, asking if we could be friends. Eventually he sent me a friend request (I was using Facebook then), and later we chatted. I talked with him about the letter. It turns out, he was never angry with me. He was busy making money.

Frank and I chatted about this and that, but his unexplained departure remained in my memory. Finally, one day I asked him why he did what he did. The answer? He honestly didn't remember. I experienced no revelation, no "Aha!" moment, when everything finally made sense. Instead, this bittersweet reality stared me in the face. On the one hand, there was the unpleasant fact that I carried this question in my heart for years, while he apparently dismissed the issue. On the other, the sweet knowledge that since there was no remembrance of the why on his part, it couldn't make it hard for us to be friends now. In the end, his memory loss outshines my wonder.

 

Reconnecting is a beautiful thing, but I'll admit that it hasn't been the easiest for me. We are all different and we all have faults, which can make interaction difficult at times. Yet while I realize that one day my role may have to change, at this point I'm not walking away.  My loving and longsuffering God calls me to reflect Him, the One Who handles my brokenness with tenderness, the One Who would be there for me if no one else were to stay.

"Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets." Matthew 7:12.

"This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you." John 15:12.

God bless,
Jean

An Update On My Chiropractic Journey

After contacting someone a friend told me about, things picked up. As it stands, someone else I have communicated with wanted my permission to share my story with some of her colleagues. She is coming over the house next week to meet Mom and me. We will see where it goes, but thank God for friends, and for people who take the time to try to help others!