I haven't written in a very long time. I have tried to, here and there, but have lost desire. I know I have struggled with the feeling of being hypocritical if I blogged about things but in the end was lost. But truth is truth still, even if I let go of it at some point. If someone fails to receive it because I let go of it, then I and they will have both been foolish and end up experiencing the same result. With that said, know that while I may blog about points of victory, or about truths I know to be truths, I am subject to the same faults and failures of every other human. Wielding a pen does not make one immune from that. The only One that can keep us safe is Christ, and only if we hold on to Him.
Speaking of holding on to Him, I have been developing muscle in that way when it comes to sleeping. I used to stay up into the wee hours of the morning because noises and sensations frightened me. I have heard and read a lot about demonic activity, and experienced it a little. I also knew that God is stronger than Satan and his demons, but I also knew that sometimes He permits things to happen, and that terrified me. I would sleep with the light on, use my phone, or both to feel safer, when I knew none of those things would keep me safe at all.
After finally falling asleep and waking up knowing God had protected me, I would be disheartened by the fact that I couldn't simply trust Him, no matter what happened. After some time, I made the decision to do just that. It wasn't easy. It meant that when I heard noises or felt something, I would keep my eyes closed and start talking to Jesus in my head. It doesn't mean that by doing this I felt all warm and fuzzy and safe. No. It was, and still is at times, a conscious choice against giving in to sweat-inducing fear and grabbing for my phone or lamp. Sometimes I fail. But every time I make that choice to talk to Jesus and ignore it, I end up falling asleep without realizing it. That's a lot better than fighting sleep till two or three in the morning.
And, I was happier. All because I chose to trust.
-Jean
